Not The Same

Oh no I am not
the same person the same thought
as I was last year
last month last week or even last night I am not
I am worn and beaten aching and open questioning
curiously digging under the surface I am not afraid
to look not afraid of what I will find but I feel
the timid recoil of others wishing
I would stay as I was not
this time I am not, no
I will not

** It has almost been a month since I last wrote here. As many who follow this blog know, I’ve been apologizing a lot lately for taking time away. It is all with good reason, of course, and I hope to get back here more regularly as the weeks continue forward.

Yes, this is a somber post, I’ve been living in a somber place for months now and doing my best to find the glimpses of light and love embracing me and my family. My father was diagnosed in September with stage four pancreatic cancer. He passed away 3 weeks ago, the day before my birthday. There have been many opportunities for seeing just that, light and love spilling out and embracing us all. And yet, there are questions and feelings that I am just scratching the surface of and may never get to the bottom of. I am okay with that. But, for now, it is important to me to write from where ever I am within this monumental experience.

My husband, boys and I enjoyed hiking in the Mecca Hills (just north east of Indio, CA) on a recent road trip to Phoenix. That is where you can find this slot canyon pictured above.


  1. Your open heart is so strong and beautiful. Thank you for your honesty! I LOVE THIS POEM! And I LOVE YOU!!

  2. Grief are worn shoes that pinch & rub as we walk through our memories. Over time. the soul adjustments makes for an easier stroll, but the walker is never quite the same.
    All the best in your journey. 🙂

    1. Thank you, indeed, grief is never far from the surface and never “gone”. Learning to walk with a part of me missing means I am off balance, unsure of a lot but I know I will learn. I have grown and noticed so much as I’ve walked this unwanted path with my dad. I am thankful for the new wisdom and the tears.

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